Birds of a feather

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2 SOCIALIST ACTION JANUARY 1986 Whether its Russians in Afghanistan, liberals in Washington, women in the army, or god in the schools, Phyllis Schlafly has a way of making the most of the media-and the worst of an issue.

Now she's done it again. The Washington Post reports that Schlafly's Eagle Forum is putting together "Freedom Fighter Friendship Kits" to send to those foot soldiers for savagery known as the Nicaraguan contras.

I'm sure the contras could use a good morale boost. In the hierarchy of those hirelings in the service of corporate America, these guys have strictly entrylevel positions. They work crazy hours, usually the night shift, since that seems to be the best time to cut the throats of innocent people. And they're always on the go, fleeing the scene of their latest atrocity.

And what thanks do they get? Not much in Nicaragua, where they have such little support that "you can't even find graffiti on the walls," as one U.S. official told Business Week. "With all the money we're spending," the official complained, "you'd think we'd have enough for a bucket of paint."

As for Ronald Reagan, he appreciates them about as much as a rich white actor might appreciate the "faceless natives" who march around mindlessly in some old Hollywood movie, usually in large groups, while rich white people engage in meaningful dialogue.

Still, Schlafly thinks Washington's script for a shoot-out in Central America has the makings of a potential block -buster. But she and her friends know it must be hard, working on-location as an extra in this U.S-made production.

They know, for one thing, that it means being on your feet a lot. That's why the kits include foot powder, as Elaine Middendorf, Missouri state director of Eagle Forum, explains, for those mo -ments "when their feetsies in their bootsies start hurting."

Feetsies in their bootsies? Middendorf know she is talking about exNational Guard officers for the dictator Somoza? What's next: A line of Cuddly Contra Patch dolls for the kids?

Middendorf says that the kits also include Crest and Colgate toothpaste, Bayer and Anacin aspirin, Life Savers, Band Aids, and Doublemint Gum. The latter to "double your fight," as Middendorf notes.

Patriotic free enterpriser that she is, Middendorf manages to plug a few well-known products while doing her part for the contra cause. Are there royalties involved here? Then again, maybe Eagle Forum just wants to remind its contra friends what their cutthroat crusade is really all about-making the world safe for major American name-brand products.

And there's more: Shaving supplies, thread and sewing needles, combs, soap, and, last but not least, a Spanish-language Bible. Middendorf says, "These are important things. It's part of man's dignity to be able to keep some semblance of being civilized in battle."

Semblance is the operative word here. Next time the contras murder some family, or cut the stomach of a pregnant woman, at least they will do so cleanshaven, clothes mended, hair neatly parted, and Bible in hand.

There's an old saying that an eagle can descend to the heights of a hen, but a hen can never soar to the heights of an eagle. In Schlafly's case, her Eagle Forum can flap its wings about "freedom" to its hearts content, but when it comes to genuine social justice, this group can't even get off the ground.

As for the contras, it's probably inevitable that when they are finally defeated, the United States will open its doors to another bunch of right-wing losers. Should they move to the San Francisco Bay Area, I'm afraid the name alone might attract them to Contra Costa County.

If so, let's just hope they take up residence downwind from one of that county's many conveniently located chemical plants. Then they can really reap the rewards of capitalism. $12,372, far surpassing our $10,000 goal.

contract and distributed it to co-workers.

And thank you again-The Editors.

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